So you want to be a Rock Star?

In the early 1990s I had various recurring delusions of becoming a Rock Star. I was partially motivated by the music, the glamour and the party lifestyle, but mostly I think I was interested in the chicks. You know, those skimpy bikini clad women who hang around Rock Stars and apparently spend most of their spare time soaping up cars and carelessly splashing water on themselves.

I joined, or created, numerous garage bands, dragging dodgy PAs and crappy equipment to various venues to practice (i.e. friend’s parent’s houses), and to backyard parties to play.  Some of the bands I played in even managed to perform “real’ gigs, at such salubrious venues as the “Pig Pen” and “Uncle Bob’s Beer and Steak Tavern”. 

There were some memorable nights; like the one where the lead singer jumped into the crowd during the second song and split his head open on the floor; or the night where the music we were playing was so boring that everyone in the bar had turned around to watch Happy Days on TV instead, including me!

Some nights we even managed to sound like a proper band and play OK, but mostly we were utterly crap!

Reflection

Years later, with my dreams of becoming a God of rock and hanging out with Steve Tyler from Aerosmith and Angus Young from AC/DC long gone, I sat back and thought about where it all went wrong. Should I have…, could I have… maybe if I had done…

After much serious reflection and thoughtful soul searching (around two minutes) I concluded that the sole reason that I didn’t succeed was because I was thoroughly and completely devoid of any talent.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not a negative person or someone that is particularly lacking in confidence. I don’t give up easily and I’m pretty comfortable I have talents in many other areas – it’s just that being a Rock Star isn’t one of them.

Well…that’s not entirely true. There was actually one area or Rock Stardom that, if you permit me, I was reasonably good at.

Naming the band.

Fat Jelly and the Jim Jam Junkies; Songs For Bongos; The Insane Doughnuts; Roger the Talking Pig; Satan’s Fiery Bucket; Wallop!; and Oh no…is that my Green Pen? -  are just a few examples of the cornucopia of band names that I could roll out at any given time for groups of wannabe hard rockers that could barely pick up a Gibson Flying V or struggle though a turgid version of Breaking the Law.

Unlike the lyrics of Motorhead, these monikers literally rolled off my tongue.

You name a genre and I could come up with a cracker.Bluegrass – Bluey Blue Shoes and the Farts;Thrash Metal – Aaaaaaaaaaaaarse;Rap/R&B – F.L.I Swoloa; andCrap Music – Brittany Spears;

Of course, to the untrained eye the naming of a band all seems very easy (“how hard could it be” they say), but let me assure you – one false step and it can all go horribly wrong.

The importance of names

The music industry is littered with the corpses of decent bands that failed to make it solely because the name they chose was rubbish (this is of course probably untrue, but we won’t let the facts get in the way of a good story…).

At the start of a band’s career theband's  name, along with the quality of the band’s music, is the most important thing that the band can create.

The name is the band’s passport, it’s the first and generally only thing the public sees before deciding (in an instant) if they’re going to be bother turning up to the pub on Saturday night to watch them play.

If they’ve got no idea what the band sounds like, who in their right mind is going to go and see a band called Samba Nights or Solid Ground. God only knows how many gigs Maroon7 did before people actually turned up!

In a world of a million and one imitations your name is what makes you stick out.Yeah, of course the quality of the music eventually shines through, but it is still so important to get the name right initially, and get your foot in the door to stay afloat long enough for people to realise your true worth.

A band’s name is the cover of the book by which it is judged. It’s like the packaging of perfume, or the label on a bottle of wine.

Wine labels

Not unlike the music industry, the wine industry is experiencing an increasing number of producers (or brands) competing for a limited and (in the current world economic condition) decreasing number of consumer dollars.

It’s difficult and expensive to advertise multiple brand of wines, so the industry marketers have increasingly (particularly and the lower quality/high volume end of the market) been focusing on getting the labelling “right”, or more correctly, creating labels and naming wines in a way that are more likely to grab a consumer’s attention in the split second they have when making a decision to buy a wine.

As a result we are now seeing a flood of “interestingly” named, labelled and bottled wines on the market (wines like Golden Beaver, Marilyn Merlot, Arrogant Frog, Fat Bastard, and Cat’s Pee on a Gooseberry Bush are just a few examples  - and no, I didn’t make any of these up myself).

No substitue for quality

Unfortunately, unlike Moroon7 and other poorly named bands, for the vast majority of these wines the true talent is unlikely to eventually shine through.

Regrettably, what these wines generally represent is a novel and new way for wine companies to flog off sub-standard wine to unsuspecting consumers confused by the glut of wine out there and searching desperately for something unique or identifying to hang on to.

My advice therefore is threefold: (a) as a general rule avoid any wines presented to you in a pretty bottle, an eye catching label or with a whity and amusing name; (b) shop at a respectable independent wine store and ask the people there for help; and (c) educate yourself about wine so that you can personally tell the wheat from the chaff and avoid getting sucker punched by clever marketing.

Follow this advice and you’ll definitely be buying more Beatles than Barry Crocker.

Cheers

MW